Confessions...

The Ugly Truth is I lie alot. I lie to myself mostly. But sometimes, in rare form, I lie to people and I lie hard. Before "the bullshit", I didn't need to lie.. but for the last 7-8 months I've lied alot.
Last week I tried to purge myself and my life. It was almost successful.. but I'm kinda slutty (in thought at least)...

For some women being "loved" is all they want, for me it's being lusted, I want you to want me. I don't become emotionally attached through conversation or quality time, that's boring. I fall for passion, intensity, body heat.
Part of me wants to be normal and tell you that I want a man in my life for something other than sex and reaching high things but I don't. Even the guy that I liked since forever, if I could have him to own, I wouldn't.
Last night the kid told me I'd fall in love soon because I hate love so much. I don't hate the action just the motives. I don't like needing things. I don't like getting jealous or caring, or worrying. NONE OF IT!
Needless to say I'm over it. What nourishes me has destroyed me. I'm not looking for it (friends with penis'). And I hope it doesn't find me. At this point I'm so disgusted with myself and men that I don't want anything at all. No dick, no conversation, no interaction, nothing. Just go to your side of the world and let me stay in mine.
Growth, is often a process I hate. I've regressed into a lot of my 21yr old habits. I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I did at 21... so why regress into a person I hate? Somewhere in the back of my mind living without caring seems easier than growing up. The only difference between now and 21 is that I'm sober. I don't think I enjoy drinking as much as I used to.
I won't say I'm over it. I'm never on it to be over it.. (you gotta buy in to sell out)
I'm moving forward, not forward from the last point, forward from the place I want be to the place I need to be.
This probably makes no sense.. That's what I do! Hugs not drugs!

I'm insecure but I can't help it...

I decided to give up my delusion for lent... Sometimes you have to change something to realize it should never be changed.

Maybe my life isn't fun or exciting.. I can deal with that. My fantasy world probably isn't healthy but I doesn't cause as much damage as my reality. So sue me?!? I've grown to think maybe I don't care about certain people as much as I think I do.. I just needed to stop talking to/about them. I needed me again. While some women would rather die than be alone. I'd rather be alone than die trying to "be happy". I'm not happy right now but the peace I have now is much better than the insanity I feel when trying to make someone other than me make me happy. I'm simple, I like writing, sleeping, eating and sex. There's really nothing else... BUT that makes me undesirable... I digress.. I'm NOT allowed to bad mouth myself LOL! One day my real life might be fun.. so fun that I won't blog. I don't know why I care so much about what they think (I mean men). Eventually they all fade away until I find the one.. Until then me & vibrator are bestest friends and all men (outside my imagination) just don't exist.

For Susie

During the election, there was an elect Susie campain to get insurance for the 9 million uninsured children in America. In 2007, a little boy died because his tooth was rotten. He died on the school bus, an $80 tooth extraction that his family couldn't afford.>>The article He's not the only one, thousands of uninsured children die every year from minor problems. A lot of people make $100 over the limit for medicaid and can't afford insurance for their children. So they go to free clinics and community hospitals that are always full and have long wait times. Most people without insurance go to the emergency room as a primary care doctor which sets back people with actual emergencies.It's amazing to me that people are against healthcare for everyone. Well maybe my grown ass doesn't need healthcare but children and old people do.

In my opinion, a healthy society would be more productive. If people are healthy they work more. What's wrong with that?? If this was George W.'s bill Republican's would be shoving it down our throats. I truly think those opposed to healthcare reform have healthcare & a crab in the barrell mentality. They think if everyone is granted truly equal rights the world will be filled with more Obama's. I don't see the problem.

I know social conservatives who've had several abortions. And every dumb ghetto hoe I know says "I couldn't kill my baby that's a sin" < But fucking before marriage wasn't GOTCHA! Moving along smart women have abortions far more than ignorant women. I think every senator/congressmen has a mistress whose had an abortion. And if Republicans are truly opposed to "big government" why do they want to control who I marry or what I do with my body?? You're pro-gun and pro-death penalty BUT I can't decide if I want to spend the rest of my life being a mother?? BUT you can kill someone because a jury of his peers says he should die...

How Many Ways Can I say No?

I laugh at this shit often but its really not funny. People really dont respect their vows and maybe the number one reason why i am terrified of commitment in a world full of selfish People. A lot of the women I have been encountering are full of shit and out for themself and what they can get in the moment. Ive asked this woman to respect her vows and leave me the hell alone. I still dont see why the hell after 4-5 years she wants me in her life so badly. I wont fall into the bullshit. I wont be the person she seeks revenge with. I will not be the one to help her disgrace one of the only forms of respect and purity left. Getting married is the ultimate test of character. If you arent ready for it then please dont audition for the part. At this point i really dont want to answer this lady's texts or calls, because she doesnt hear no. I know that all women arent like her and i dont hold it against all. It just makes me a little more cautious and a little more careful about who i let into my circle of life and who i open myself up to emotionally. But this shit right here is not the groove.This is the same woman who a few blogs ago asked me if i was gay because i didnt want to smash her married ass. yep she feels shes that bad of a bitch that niggaz gay if they dont want her! SMH