So wait... nothing

"What do you do when nothings wrong? And nothings quite right either?"

I love my blog. I love writing. & It sucks when I don't have shit to say. There's something missing. What I don't know. How to find it clueless. It seems like nothing in my life is wrong. Not saying it's perfect but nothing is wrong. There's no drama, no controversy, nothing exciting to look forward too. While I'm not totally stagnant, I have things to do. It's just awakward. I'm having conversations with friends and they have all this stuff going on and they think I'm an asshole because I have nothing to add BUT honestly I have NOTHING to add. I'm blank. I have no pending love interest, no mind blowing sex stories, no friend who annoys me to death, no enemy worth paying attention too. I have nothing. If you give me a topic I can probably discuss it if I'm forced to but as far as having new thoughts or ideas or some really funny shit. I seriously have NOTHING.

Buh-Bye!

Sometimes in life there are things, people and or situations that you just have to let go of!

Recently I "lost" someone or so I thought. Truth is that person was NEVER meant to be in my life. While I don't think they're a "bad" person, I don't think they did anything to benefit me. In the end, if something doesn't benefit you, your family, or society as a whole... WHY KEEP IT!?

Then there's her... It used to hurt to think I won't be in her wedding or meet her kids. But I know what's best for me is also what's best for her. We're too different. Way too different. Often times I try to hold on to people because I've known them since the 90s! People change and that's ok!! Nice knowing you love! *kisses*

So it begins...

It doesn't feel like a decade just ended!

Honestly 2010 was the longest year of my life. I didn't think it would ever end. I guess when you have nothing to do every second feels like a minute and minutes feel like hours. Then when days seem like weeks it gets harder.

Breathing is no longer a luxury it's something I do get to do quite often. Life used to move so fast. Now it's s. l. o. w...  Changing pace is pretty healthy. I'm ready to press the gas again.

In 2011, I hope to be a better person. More of a "ray of sunshine" than the queen of shade. Trust me I'm still opinionated. I just realize that some people take opinions as facts then twist and distort my words to mean what they want them to mean. The price you pay for being honest (I know)!

My "Resolution" of sorts is just to be a better me. For myself and the people I love. I am going to grow from mistakes, learn from failures, smile in the hard times, appreciate the rain as much as the sun & keep rocking to the beat of my own drum.

Every month is like section in the book of life for me. Years are my chapters and I don't think the last chapter ended with the BANG I wanted. No regrets.

At this point, I just feel different. There's no way I can explain it, so I'm just living it!

I'm ready for all the mistakes, blessings, joys and pains that will come with 2011. I'm not afraid.

As the year ends...

I really wanted to come up with some witty hilarity for the moment but I have none. 



This is typically the time where I look at life & think what did I do this year. I failed a little this year... I tried when I should have quit and I quit when I should have tired. I never really took the time to think LONG term before. I mean like the real long term. Everyone says they want to be a teacher or an engineer what ever but do they draw solid maps to those destinations? I didn't.

The Recap

I haven't been blogging like I used to... I've been busy doing nothing... It's quite sad... Twitter has replaced my beloved blog. NO longer... less tweets more blogs.. Moving along!

It's moments like this, times like this when you look at life and say who are you? I won't tell you I'm unhappy. Happiness is a personal creation. It's the car you were given the keys to at birth and you decide whether you drive or live in park...

The problem before was that I was complacent, I saw the problem and that "Nah maybe next year"... Now the problem is my growing need for instant gratification.. I want it NOW. All of it everything. I'm writing down my pulse so I can remember that my heart beats.

I have alot to write about... Sanity slapped me this morning it was kinda cool... She said "what are you doing get up."

Maybe it wasn't exactly like that but you know... I'm moving again... wheels turning... forward motion

Confessions...

The Ugly Truth is I lie alot. I lie to myself mostly. But sometimes, in rare form, I lie to people and I lie hard. Before "the bullshit", I didn't need to lie.. but for the last 7-8 months I've lied alot.
Last week I tried to purge myself and my life. It was almost successful.. but I'm kinda slutty (in thought at least)...

For some women being "loved" is all they want, for me it's being lusted, I want you to want me. I don't become emotionally attached through conversation or quality time, that's boring. I fall for passion, intensity, body heat.
Part of me wants to be normal and tell you that I want a man in my life for something other than sex and reaching high things but I don't. Even the guy that I liked since forever, if I could have him to own, I wouldn't.
Last night the kid told me I'd fall in love soon because I hate love so much. I don't hate the action just the motives. I don't like needing things. I don't like getting jealous or caring, or worrying. NONE OF IT!
Needless to say I'm over it. What nourishes me has destroyed me. I'm not looking for it (friends with penis'). And I hope it doesn't find me. At this point I'm so disgusted with myself and men that I don't want anything at all. No dick, no conversation, no interaction, nothing. Just go to your side of the world and let me stay in mine.
Growth, is often a process I hate. I've regressed into a lot of my 21yr old habits. I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I did at 21... so why regress into a person I hate? Somewhere in the back of my mind living without caring seems easier than growing up. The only difference between now and 21 is that I'm sober. I don't think I enjoy drinking as much as I used to.
I won't say I'm over it. I'm never on it to be over it.. (you gotta buy in to sell out)
I'm moving forward, not forward from the last point, forward from the place I want be to the place I need to be.
This probably makes no sense.. That's what I do! Hugs not drugs!

Untitled

I don't tell you everything. No matter how much I tweet or blog. I just can't say everything. I call him my "Big Boy". He looks like he's supposed to be a man but he's silly, like super silly.

When we met we are friends. We have mutual friends and he had a girlfriend. It was about a year ago almost to this day. I saw him & he randomly asked for my number. That's fine we're cool. Gradually it goes from "hey how are you" once a week to everyday conversations. He knows my goals, my heart, my intentions. He knows what I'm thinking even when I don't say it.

Don't be THAT girl

I always catch myself. I went "out" this Friday & I spent most of my time in the club by my damn self. I don't fit in everywhere. Don't even try really. From the minute I walked in I realized "I'm not one of them". I don't know who they are. I don't know what they do. I just know I'm not them. I don't dance unless I'm joking. I don't take myself seriously because it's a fucking club not a senate meeting. My black friend girls aren't a squad. I've never really belonged to a group of (black) girls. Unless 8th grade which to most sane people it doesn't.

My conclusion is I go for quality. I have really strong relationships with people who don't hang out together unless I make them and that's so cool. Sometimes I wish I could fit in but I didn't grow up like them. Oh well... I'm not trying to be "down". I'd much rather be strange little me who sits alone. I just can't pretend.

Give it up

I'm not Catholic but for Lent I'm giving something up. I'm giving up the delusional fantasy world I live in. It's going to be hard. I don't know how to live outside this world I've created for myself. It's safe. I've become a snail or something. I hide in my shell and refuse to live life. I used to drink too much but at least back then I lived. This stale pit of depression that I live in has made me a horrific person. I hate myself. I'm not living just existing. I'm hoping that this new job and the move get me out of this bullshit I currently live in. My slump is mostly my fault and I understand that perfectly.
I realized my problem and I'm giving it up.. On to reality.

Is it possible?

"I'm a hoe & I'm going to accept that" - B.B.U

It seems crazy to me but I'm living it so I know it's true. Everyday I grow. I say some off the wall stuff, we all know that. Behind the scenes I'm over analyzing everything. On this mission to accomplish personal happiness, I've had to let things go & embrace new things. I've changed my ideas on things I thought I made my mind up about...
For example, Mr. B he's broken my heart, but he's the only man who knows everything... & when I say everything, I mean the secrets I can't tell myself. I've started to realize that anyone whose dealt with me consistently for the last 5 years deserves a place in my life. I've been drunk, high, retarded, suicidal, judgmental, superfical & just plain evil at times, he's still here (no pussy is that good it's gott be love). I realize that I'm a handful and frankly I wouldn't have dealt with the old me. I'm not trying to wife him.. I want someone better than him BUT his friendship is greatly appreciated & lets not front I might bounce on it from time to time. I don't leave to be chased, I leave to formulate conclusions without outside influence.
In the process of over analyzing myself I've realized that I crave monogamy most when I feel that nothing in my life is going right. That's really dumb and since everything in my life is going right, I'm thinking clearly. When I'm sad I let people get away with shit. I'm toooo happy. Also the longer I go without sex the easier it is for me to realize I don't care about too much too often. Big is a hoe and he admits his flaws. That's all good for me.
Here's the point: I wonder how I grow so much. Everyday I come to a new realization about who I am, who I want to be, & what I want. I'm consistently honest & hilarious but my views on things change. I don't wanna be someone's girl. I want my own identity. I don't want to depend on my parents anymore, I'm too old for that. I want a flat stomach & huge boobs (somethings never change). I love learning, growing and changing. I don't want pride. I'm happy to admit when I'm wrong it helps me grow. I'm not taking shit anymore, if I don't like it I don't need it. I LOVE my friends I don't need anyone else. I know who I want to be & nobody has to agree with that. I'm comfortable in my skin.. I don't even want dick & conversation... (if it's not from Big)

Thought Process

I'd like to call this Lesson #3:

Most people don't realize that the way they think is the way they live. I haven't always thought well. The thought process is what seperates those who are weak from those who are strong. Luck doesn't exist. I have friends who tell me I'm lucky. Not lucky, I am optimistic. Is it possible to be positive 24/7 maybe but not for me. I like to curse people out sometimes...
Back on subject, In 2007 I was introduced to the Law of Attraction, really the entire New Age section at the books store. When I started to realize that my actions were a result of things I thought, I realized I had no one to blame but me. Personal responsiblity is some stuff. Since changing my thought process I've gotten 2 jobs, 5 raises, a few new great friends, I'm never broke & I geniunely love life.
Most people will tell you that Christianity and the law don't go hand and hand but the only way I can explain the law is through the Bible "As a man thinks, so is he." Proverbs 23:7. The law is about only focusing on good things. The old people say "pray for the better and prepare for the worst"; to me that's saying God can't do anything the world is in charge. Sidebar: I'm spiritual NOT religious (religion divides people, I love everybody)

The rapper says he looks for miracles everyday (I helped him to change his thought process). So many people wake up everyday waiting for something to go wrong and then wonder why nothing good is happening. You get what your looking for and it may not be something great. Thoughts become things is the easiest way to put it. For example, people who always talk about things they hate or don't want. They aren't happy people, no one really wants to be around them and good things rarely happen to them. A positive thought process is HARD. Thinking that things will go wrong is most peoples default. Now I ask do what I did, think about where you are, think about where you want to be... I'm not there either. Point is 99.9% of people will tell you, "You can't make it". WHY on Earth would you be the other 0.01% and say "No I can't". If you can't believe in yourself, how can anyone else? It all starts with the thought process.
Examples to dwell on:

• A plane weighs 2 tons but it flys.. now 50 years ago if you told any "logical" person that they'd say never gonna happen.
• Walt Disney said "If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started by a mouse" And he also said "I could never convince the financiers that Disneyland was feasible, because dreams offer too little collateral"
• Billy Gates essentially built a fortune on 0s & 1s (binary)
• Apple wasn't cool in 1995, Steve Jobs started all over.. & now everybody has an iPhone

Do yourself a favor research anyone whose ever done anything worth being documented and the story will be the same, they failed 1,000,000 times but they knew one day it would pay off. They thought they would be successful. Every great thing you own, want, need or buy, started off in someones mind. You owe yourself a new thought process, you get all the new Jordans LOL!
But be warned thinking positive thoughts without positive action is pointless. "Dreaming instead of doing is foolishness, and there is ruin in a flood of empty words" -Ecclesiastes 5:7 (which ties us back to yesterdays lesson *pow*)
Since we're less than 10 days into 2010 it's not too late to change your thought proccess. The Milky Way is the limit.. or the end of the block you decide.

The Recap

2009 as I recall it.. In list form:

• Didn't fall in love (PLUS)
• Didn't leave the state (Minus)
• Met some awesome friends
• Didn't meet any new men
• Missed church 7 times... That's too much '10 is gonna be so different
• 3 major splurges
• 1 random kiss (New Years 2009)
• 0 occasions of throwing up because of alcohol
• 1 too tipsy for my own good occassion
• 1 major argument with my mother
• 245 minor arguments LOL (it's just a guess)
• 5 play dates with my siblings (more in '10 trust me)
• 150 days spent think about what I could be doing
• 365 days wishing I wasn't in New Orleans
• A few very important life lessons
• 6 the # of time I did the sexy (yes once every 2 months its a damn shame oh well good on the Jesus side bad on the world side)
• 1,000,000 the number of times I was really happy I wasn't being bad

2009 was a good girl year for me & well..yeah that's good

Just Do It

Many times the road block in your life is you. I'm the only person who gets me out of bed. Therefore my thoughts, feelings & emotions are things I create. If I let someone get the best of me or push my buttons I blame me. Often times people just complain. Complaining makes my nerves bad. I don't enjoy doing it or listening to it. My favorite quote is: "If you don't like something change it, if you can't change it change your attitude Don't Complain" - Maya Angelou
I'm tired of simply being unhappy. I am changing it. I'm so excited. I can't control people, I can't make anyone like me or love me. I can't force people to see things my way or have my kinda fun but I CAN be happy. It's so beautiful. Happiness is a choice. People don't believe that because they don't want to do the work it takes to be happy. Wake up and smile. Stop trying to see the wrong in everything. By no means TRUST no one. Trust is earned not given that's why you might not be happy giving people things they don't deserve never makes life happy.
It's almost 2010 and since the first day of 2009 I said "If it won't make me happy I can't do it" I'm moving & I know everything is gonna be great... & WHY?? Jesus promised he'd take care of me!

The Usual Suspect

I'm blogging about my personal life I know people miss these LOL!
For slight background you might wanna check out Regret.

The Usual Suspect b.k.a Dr.Evil is my crazy obsession. I don't know what it is about this guy. I met him when I was tipsy but I knew I liked him. His voice, his posture, his attitude; dare I say his aura. We all know 21 year old me was a bold mess. I got his number. I invited him over. I enjoy being aggressive from time to time. 
Everytime I see him my mind races. I want to say the right thing, do the right thing or just find someway to make him love me. I don't have the incredible desire to be loved by many just B.B.U really. I wanted Hov to like me.. that didn't work well. I don't believe in luck so the things that have happened with me and men was me ignoring the obvious warning signs... I think I called the Usual Supect; Obvious for a while... Obvious is the nickname you give a guy when his middle name or pet name would make it too obvious.
I hate calling men by their government name.. It's a slut rule. I even make nicknames for my friends: semi-, ell-y, B-dot, etc...
The Usual Suspect is a challenge. I don't think he wants me. EVER. Mentally or physically. He tolerates me yet I can't stop... I feel myself being annoying yet I continue in the hopes that eventually he'll understand that I like him like him...
This is my flaw. I know. I'm gonna try to work on it.

The Mission

So many people will tell you that they know me but they don't know shit. While vain & somewhat self-centered, if you really know me, you know my passion in life is people. Mostly kids. If I can't help, motivate & inspire every person I encounter I have failed as a person. You clearly didn't know that about me.. moving on.

Before I made mistakes my goal in life was to be rich. I wanted to use my bullshitting skills to make money and buy material things that would never equate to happiness. The 2nd time I flunked out of college, I was forced to take "easy" classes. Taking easy classes gave me the purpose I now have. Taking Juvenile Delinquency taught me how many men in prison had simple learning disablities. That if detected early would have probably kept them in school & maybe kept them from killing. There were several other lessons but that one sticks out in my mind the most. I don't aspire to be famous, but I will be glamorous in all things! I want to motivate the next generation to be all that they can be.
I've heard so many people say they're outraged by The BlindSide (the Michael Ohr story). Well guess what?? Antione Fisher was motivated by an African American but our generation seems to be so caught up in self that we don't help others. Now take all the outrage you have about white families helping black kids to succeed in life, and take your black ass into the inner city & help black kids, then you might get a movie! SHOCKING!!!
Personally, I don't need a movie or a book. I need a little girl to grow up and know that she's more than her body, I need one black man to grow up and know that he's worth more than his weight in gold (not my kids someone elses). That's it. My mission is to truly impact someones life as often as I can.

Moment of Silence

I talk too fucking much. I need time.. Time to regroup, think, listen to myself & stop letting someone else deteremine who I am and what defines me. I'm turning into someone I hate... I've said too much already..

good bye

The Slut Rules

*I don't lie about who I am or should I say was.. I'm pretty dull these days.. I'm done explaining myself to you*

The Bad Girls self included have these rules.. No one ever wrote them down. No one really follows them (all the time). They include but are not limited to:

• Always look gorgeous
• Always tell one person where you're going or whose coming over
• Never name the puppy (nicknames are good)
• Don't ask questions don't get personal
• Get in, get out, get on with your life
• Don't kiss it's fucking disgusting
• If he tries to make the situation seem like more than it is cut him off or run
• Never give yourself a reason to like him
• Do NOT become his facebook friend
• If you ever see him in public again act like he doesn't exist
• Call him only when there's a real need (for dick)
• Don't tell him anything about you
• Don't cuddle
• When you finish put your clothes on and go or kick him out
• If he's nervous take off something else
• If he's good forward your friends his dick pix
• Never get caught
• Don't talk about anything with anyone outside the circle ever

I'm old now. I can't really follow these rules. I think some of the Bad Girls do... These rules were the basis of my relationships with O.J. & Hov. Hov is just so fucking nice. He wanted me to like him. He couldn't handle having a fuck buddy... bitch...
The honest reason for the slut rules was simple. Carrie on Sex & the City in the first episode decides to f-ck like a man, to truly have sex with no emotion. A term I later coined as "bitch fucking" (recieving oral without returning the favor & leaving right after because of an emergency) We'd all been hurt in high school. In college we decided not to take men seriously. To have fun & treat our girls as our world. We all hoped that by developing this crazy system of using guys that some how we could be like Samantha Jones... but she fell for Smith Jared.
It didn't work. We all fell for someone. We all cried to each other about someone we loved. We all went months without getting laid.. just because we follow slut rules.. does NOT mean we slut with everybody. That's what hoes do! Women choose the men they sleep with hoes fuck everybody.. see where I'm going.. gooood.

Addictions

I smoke.. Save me the fucking lecture. Matter of fact, I've heard everything I need to hear and I honestly won't listen to you. And for all those people who say "Black girls shouldn't smoke", WE DO EVERYTHING ELSE! So why the fuck not! My vice isn't having babies or clubbing every night. Its a lil healthier LMAO!
*rant over*
My addictions talk to me. Somewhere in my mind, my addictions tell me that I can't leave them. I need to be addicted to something. I love having a vice. I don't know how to stop something without starting something else.
Money, sex, food, wearing clothes [i hate clothes] & these damn cigarettes.  I've been smoking on and off since I was 13. I've been a bad girl all my life. It's all I've ever known.
I can't be a "good girl". Honestly I've never tried to deny the real me. I don't have the desire to turn into someone I'm not. While I've eliminated several vices over the years... My mind still thinks like a bad girl.

Is it possible that God made me to be the stereotypical bad girl?

Orginal Jake

Disclaimer: This is detailed. I can't hold back. It may sound like porn so If you don't wanna read the rest don't click read more.

It all started randomly.. on facebook... of all places. This was 4 years ago, meeting someone on facebook seemed harmless. It was harmless [or so I thought]

I know I should be over it....

But I can't. I'm going to miss being a Victoria's Secret girl this Christmas.

I love my Victoria's Secret Santa hat! I love opening all the new stuff. I love arguing with cheap men about what they should get for their girlfriends... Ok I'm done