But this is normal...

The other night I had a conversation with one of my favorite re-runs. In this conversation, he's reassuming me that he's not a club rat anymore. How many times have I heard that!!! But the conversation made me think... Not about what he said but about what I said.

Re-run (trev-inition)- a show you've seen before, in most cases a ex; can also refer to a situation in life that feels too familiar.

Conversation goes as follows... (edited of course to conceal identities)

Kim Jones

Funny story I explain everything but I didn't explain this...

Kim Jones (trev-intion)-- A lifestyle that commands respect; to be sexual without having sex; to run shit; to be original; to never give anyone elses words power over your life; to say nasty shit because I can; to be considered a slut because of what you say not the number of people you've been with

Now, many are confused and some ask why I call myself Kim Jones. Some people think it's me paying respect to Kim & Sam Jones BUT Kim's last name is Jones. To understand what I mean when I say Kim Jones, you have to first understand the history of women in rap & hip hop. In the beginning, women acted as men with no sexual identity. Salt & Peppa changed all that. They owned their sexuality not a slutty way but in a way that said I'm a woman I have sex it's not your business & you have no right to judge me. Around the same time, Queen Latifah was telling men to respect her mind because she was more than a pussy. Yo-yo was telling dudes we could play the same games they could but no woman ever said suck my dick.

At least own it

Jenna Jameson is a boss bitch. She owns her brand. Most women no matter what they do... don't own their brand. Jenna controlled who she did when she was in porn, she controlled all her publications & she got about 80% of all the profit from her films. Some people will say she's a hoe yada yada blah blah BUT how many hoes do you know that fuck for status??? At least Jenna makes money!

Most women don't own shit. They don't own themselves, their sexuality, their minds, their ideas or their money. How many times have you spent money on something because of someone else?? I am guilty! I'm not saying all women should be porn stars. I'm saying more women should OWN themselves. Most chicks don't want to own anything. They'd rather exist. It's sad really.

People won't be who I want them to be... the lack of substance in the world amazes me. People who never read or even keep up with current events have the loudest most vocal opinions. And women are the worst. My girlfriend was talking about how much shade hoes throw.. "but they still got them hair show "LV" bags and "Chanel" earrings"...  It's funny how women let things make them and most times its FAKE things...

Own yourself!

Epiphany 2010

I'm having the same damn conversation I always have about men and relationships and it dawns on me!

The reason I am the way I am is because I have awesome male friends. All the emotional support and stability that most women get from having a boyfriend, is the support I get from my male friends. Most men see women as an after thought because male friendship is much more loyal than female friendship. Which is exactly why I'm so stable. It all makes so much sense. I love my homegirls but lets face it... loyalty is DEAD!
 Male bonding is gay but women aren't loyal. I don't feel like my girls have my back BUT I know for a fact if a nigga hit me my boys will murder him. A woman will throw you under a bus for some dick & a happy meal. That's why women need men in some capacity to balance everything.
I just don't need a boyfriend because I have friends that are boys who hold me down emotionally, mentally & spiritually & them hoes they handle the rest LOL!

The Truth

Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit. - Edward R. Murrow

I don't keep many "social" things a secret. I don't feel the need to, if I did it I admit it. It makes life more simple. Besides one of my "friends" will tell one of their friends who will tell someone who doesn't care for me then everyone in my tiny universe will know anyway.
Most times the "rumors" or stories people tell about us only bother us because we don't want people to know our "dirty laundry". NEWSFLASH nothing is a secret if someone else was there. You tell he tells/ she tells. Shit gets out FAST! So why deny it?? Most things only hurt because we can't admit to ourselves who we really are. Me personally I know who I am and I don't lie about her.
Take Roseanne as the greatest example she gave a baby up for adoption before she was famous the kid surfaced, Roseanne said "She's mine", NO SCANDAL! No drama! Most people don't even know it happend because it wasn't dragged out or denied.

“The speed of communications is wondrous to behold. It is also true that speed can multiply the distribution of information that we know to be untrue.”



The truth scares people because they all want to be seen as "angels" funny thing is, if the world knows you a hoe! I learned these last few weeks that I'm not a hoe. I was relieved! I haven't done half the shit these so say "good girls" have NOT saying I'm an angel but my number is waayyyyyy lower than yours... *now they wonder what my number is* haha!!! I was a jaded fool who thought she was the one when she was really one of many... see my flaw ADMITTED! I can't be scandalous cause I refuse to lie... That's the bigger point. Think about it... but you won't change...

To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful. - Edward R. Murrow

Untitled

I don't tell you everything. No matter how much I tweet or blog. I just can't say everything. I call him my "Big Boy". He looks like he's supposed to be a man but he's silly, like super silly.

When we met we are friends. We have mutual friends and he had a girlfriend. It was about a year ago almost to this day. I saw him & he randomly asked for my number. That's fine we're cool. Gradually it goes from "hey how are you" once a week to everyday conversations. He knows my goals, my heart, my intentions. He knows what I'm thinking even when I don't say it.

The Relationship Bull

This is mostly personal about ME & a brief study of other people if you get offended.. grown the f-ck up!

I don't know why I try so hard to be in monogamous relationships when I love new challenges. There are guys who will always be more important than others. BUT right now I'm figuring me out. The greatest advice I ever recieved was from a woman who was getting divorced. She said "I had to work on my me shit while he was working on his he shit so we had no time for the we shit." I need to know who I am 100% before I try to give my all to someone else. Almost (read almost) everyone I know in their 20s whose in a "relationship" has conversations, interactions or even sex with someone who isn't the person they're commited to. Emotional cheating is just as bad. So why do people still bullshit with the "title" thing. I think women do it to feel special, I think men to it to have guarenteed pussy.

I often think about the progression of life. My grandmother was married in her teens, my moms generation got married in their 20s, so I assume I should be married in my 30s. I need time to be ME. Not my mother's daughter, my husband's wife or children's mother. Independent self sufficient ME. I need to have my own indentity before I decide to be label myself as someone elses something. I want to be independent truly independent, granted this may not be the goal of other women... if this isn't your goal don't be offended by what I want. My mother didn't pay for 20 years of my education for me to get married. I could have gone to public school and skipped college for all that.

The moral of the story: I'm tired of letting other people or "social norms" define what makes me happy. I don't do married shit (cooking, cleaning, co-habiting, buying gifts, going on vacations etc..) with men I date, because it's just that DATING. Just because you feel that that's what works for you doesn't mean I have to. Also from all the situations I've seen where people do married things before getting married it just leaves you with more heartache. I want to be with someone because I want them NOT because I need them. I'm just in it for dick and conversation everything else comes from God, my parents, my sanity & self respect. I can't do what makes other people happy. Pussy does NOTHING for me, I hae my own & well it's a bitch. I won't be in a relationship on facebook because titles are important to you. For the record.. they don't leave me, we take breaks. Meanwhile ya'll heartbroken & devastated... Whose losing?? The fact that I've never given anyone my all, keeps me above the bullshit. & I refuse to let anyones opinion of anything in MY life shape who I am.

My parents still love each other but they aren't together because of what other people thought.. Wise people learn from others mistakes, fools learn from their own mistakes.. I'm too wise for you fools!

Kendra & Kari Ann

The white girls are insane. If you've ever watched Sex Rehab, you've seen Kendra & Kari Ann. My real life white girl friends are Kendra and Kari Ann. It's really sad. They are addicts. Kendra's at my house right now. This shit is insane. I really don't know how to explain these girls.

Kendra is an attention whore. I'm not really one to talk but she annoys me. She's a good kid whose easily influenced by t.v & bad kids. Sidebar: College is the best thing that ever happened to me. Back to business, Kendra has no purpose. If she died today her obituary would say.. the daughter of, high school graduate, will be missed. She's never accomplished anything ever. She's one of the smartest people I've ever ever met yet she does nothing. I haven't had a normal conversation since we were 17. Every conversation we have is a therapy session. She tells me her problems, I give her solutions, hence my idea to become an addictions counselor. She's been dealing with the same problems for years. Almost 6 years. My mom never hugged me either but I don't use coke. It's insane to me really. It's all excuses in my eyes. I rarely have pity. You watch something like Precious and you say that girl has every excuse not to succeed or to become a product of her enviroment. But Kendra... She grew up in a good home with parents who loved her & all her problems stem from her mom not being affectionate... GTF. Eventually you realize that everyone doesn't love the same way. That doesn't mean they don't love you it just means they don't show it like everyone else...

Then there's Kari Ann...

I said it..

I rarely write about things that are extremely personal to me but there's a lesson in this.
My grandpaw has no legs, alzheimers, no teeth, a feeding tube and has had 3 strokes. I used to feel so sorry for him and wonder why life/God had cursed him in this way.
In a recent conversation with a family member, I learned that my grandpaw was a whore. Not a discreet one either. My grandpaw was a public hoe and cheated with local women.. So my grandmaw goes to the grocery store and knows the woman on aisle 5 is sleeping with her husband. They went further to say my grandmaw (who didn't drive) made my aunts and uncles (they have 8 kids) bring her to these womens houses to pull him out of the bed. YES.. he was pulled out of the act with my aunts & uncles as witnesses.
I no longer pity him. The wrath of God is extreme. I used to think he had no clue what was going on but I think he knows everything and can't do anything about it. Everyday of his life is pointless & painful torture.. maybe if he was a better person when he could have been it wouldn't be this way. I know someone will think I'm horrible for saying all this BUT think about the way you treat people it may not catch up with you at 40 or 50... you might just be in diapers again dependent on the same people you hurt to nuture you...the end

What the FUCK

Today has been INSANE. This is the worst part. This nigga stops me while I'm driving (I stopped b/c I don't want him to know where my house is). We went to college together. He wanted me in college, I wasn't interested. He's ugly & lame & desperate. His twin brother lied and said he had sex with my friend, the brother met my friend once & didn't even know her real name... moving on.
This niggas says "What do you think I want from you",
I say "I really don't care",
He says "I want you to taste me",
I say" Get the fuck",
He says"What you never tasted a man",
I say "That's a sorry ass pick up line I didnt like you in college and I don't like you now".
He finally leaves. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT. Plus he has some mutane growth on his forehead looking nasty as hell. Asking for oral sex is NOT a pick up line nor will I respond it. I kinda wanna find him & kick him in the nuts. Who does that? & also who responds to it?? Is there a women who enjoys being degraded I don't.
In other news: I have bruised ribs & it hurts.

Challenge

There's this game I play with myself before making major decisions about my life. I say how will this effect your obituary? My obituary is like one of the most important things to me... Why? It's the last message you send to the world. When my great great great grandkids wanna know who I was or what I did they can google my obituary. My personal mission is to do something that impacts someone who is not in my family or my friend. Last night when I watched the Blind Side, I thought Leanne Toughy may never be remembered for being a great mother to her own children but she will be remembered for having a loving heart & accepting someone into her life that she had no reason to.
That's amazing. That's what life should be about, not your car or your house but about uplifting and inspiring. I lose sight of what's important but everytime I fall off course I realize it. Who do you really wanna be? Is there a defintion for you? Are you defined by your car & your clothes? Who are you really?
The challenge is to define yourself without material things... it's hard but try it. And you hate the defintion it's not too late to rewrite it!

Man Bear Pig

My Slut friends have standards.. That being said ManBearPig is a whore. I don't know her but the world knows her rep. She has no standards as long as it's hard she will bounce on it. It's not just people making up things, she confirms that the rumors are true. If manbearpig wasn't handcuffing a really nice guy while she was busting it open for every guy in a 1,000 mile radius, I would have said fine she's a public hoe.

• Public Hoe (trev-ition)- A girl who is about that action & NEVER pretends otherwise (Lil Kim, Foxy Brown); Public Hoes f-ck like men without shame or emotion. I have mad respect for public hoes.. She who pretends to be a virgin & calls her f-ck buddies her "brothers" gets NO love.

You can't be a public hoe & in a relationship. That's how you ruin nice guys for the next chick. Hoe outside commitment thats for men & women. I hate ManBearPig she's like a bucket & everybody gets to spit in her. Her hairs never combed, she doesn't look nice & she's manly...
I hate this hoe... that's all...
No wait it's not my 18 year old friend (guy) told me ManBearPig threw the puss at him after 10 minutes of knowing him, he was terribly turned off & turned it down but his boys trained her...

Why are you a Hoe again??

There's this guy.. first off I've never had the desire to f-ck him. He's just not my kind. He's very attractive & one of the biggest hoes in the world. Yet every woman I know who rode the ride says it was a happy meal without the toy. You know all the pipe in the world but couldn't lay it for shit.. This is 3 different women who have never met, how can they all tell the same story?? Because it's the TRUTH!
What was the number one complaint?? Dude makes love!
I wish I was bullshitting "Slow circular strokes"
All this sex was random, not in a relationship, barely even in a friendship. Women don't like to make love with their one night stand.. they wanna f-ck, HARD!

One Night Stand Rules:

1. Don't pretend like this is going anywhere.
2. F-ck like she stole from you.
3. Make her feel nasty (She's not your wife)
4. Ask her what she wants, cause you don't know her
5. Make sure you performance is excellent.. Your girlfriend won't tell her friends about the dick game but your one night stand doesn't care about you. She will talk & it might hurt your feelings.
6. Don't kiss her (trust is earned not given)
7. & if it's with me pull the weave & bite my neck

I got off subject.. Seriously why is dude a hoe if his sex game is weak? And if I know how doesn't anyone else know??

Why I dont Trust Women, I B My Own Worst Enemy

I dont know how long its going to take me to be able to trust women fully... Every relationship I have ever had Ive fucked up due to Paranoia. The paranoia comes from my own bullshitting and being such a heaux in the past. I cant even count how many women have cheated on their significant other with me...Im talking about been with these niggaz for years and years...So why mess that up for me? Some have said somethings different about me, or that they are attracted to assholes, or niggaz that dont hold their tongues!

Im not gonna be so naive to think that im the first nigga you ever met that you just had to cheat or risk something youve invested so much in. Ill never get this.. Especially when someone who has taken vows steps out. You can give a woman the world but if you not givin her a full variety of everything she want...you're gonna get fucked. women want security, passion, attention, a protector, and a damn good listener....if you are lacking in just 1 of these areas, fuck whatever else you do shell fuck over u to get it if you arent paying attention

I know a lady who has it all..Her and Husband both have master degrees, great jobs, buys her whatever the hell she wants...Takes care of her and her son. Put her in a new home, new whip but like shes drinking from a bottomless glass, shes still thirsty for something more..

We started off fukkin when they were boyfriend girlfriend... Wildin out I didnt really care at the time cause i was still on some heartless shit. I have no loyalty to the nigga. Im thinkin she should be the one that feel bad. Im talkin bout I almost lost it when i found out that the Place she invited me to beat it repeatedly was the place they shared together...He just worked night shift.. Wow Fukk around and lose my life because you wanna smash somethin...Niggaz are crazy behind they chicks out here already much less bein in a nigga crib..So no more. or so i thought...she couldnt stay away. She texted me one day and was like its been 9months 8days and so many hours since youve been in me. by this time me and my girl were done so she was on some ill come to you. we'll book a room type shit. She even went to the precautions of "I have a husband So Im going to pay for you to Get STD testing around the board.I dont wanna stop fucking you but i wanna be safe for me and him."At least she was cautious

Everything in me just wanted to do right and tell her to be faithful, cause fukk id like to get married one day.. But selfish me....her head game tighter than a Barber...her touch was bow..the pussy was excellent. " I love my husband you'll never be more than a good fuck to me" that shit was cool with me...but she started reniggin sayin she wish she had met me first...I dont get it cause your life is set other than the fact that you say he dont fukk you the same..Though she's not thinkin clearly I would never let this woman lose all that she has for a nut. People dont always get the oppurtunity to come from nothing and make it as far as she has... Lets be real i havent done 1/100th of what he has for you.

Why the fukk i gotta be the one to be smart about your situation and what you have to lose. Im not fucking her anymore but i wish that i Never would have...I fukked over a sacred bond and pushed myself further back. I know all women arent on the same level but if you encounter enough on the same agenda you soon believe it...Im a sinnin nigga trynna work my way back to right... but hey Im real about mine and will never pretend to be more than I am...And right now Im grindin...Keep myself so busy that i dont have time to fall for anyone and fall victim to anotha nigga like me.

I still aint no fukkin angel but im a lot more careful and wont fukk spouses

The Usual Suspect

I'm blogging about my personal life I know people miss these LOL!
For slight background you might wanna check out Regret.

The Usual Suspect b.k.a Dr.Evil is my crazy obsession. I don't know what it is about this guy. I met him when I was tipsy but I knew I liked him. His voice, his posture, his attitude; dare I say his aura. We all know 21 year old me was a bold mess. I got his number. I invited him over. I enjoy being aggressive from time to time. 
Everytime I see him my mind races. I want to say the right thing, do the right thing or just find someway to make him love me. I don't have the incredible desire to be loved by many just B.B.U really. I wanted Hov to like me.. that didn't work well. I don't believe in luck so the things that have happened with me and men was me ignoring the obvious warning signs... I think I called the Usual Supect; Obvious for a while... Obvious is the nickname you give a guy when his middle name or pet name would make it too obvious.
I hate calling men by their government name.. It's a slut rule. I even make nicknames for my friends: semi-, ell-y, B-dot, etc...
The Usual Suspect is a challenge. I don't think he wants me. EVER. Mentally or physically. He tolerates me yet I can't stop... I feel myself being annoying yet I continue in the hopes that eventually he'll understand that I like him like him...
This is my flaw. I know. I'm gonna try to work on it.

"But I need it..."

In the last few weeks, I've been surrounded by my past. The short verison of the long story is that I've lived more than one life. When I was in high school [& middle school] I thought getting high was cool. I've never really been addicted to anything besides cigarettes. Other than that it was an experiment. I haven't done anything since like 2005 and that was just weed. Drugs make me feel like I can't control myself. I love control. Even when people think I've given them power I promise I'm controling the situation.

On to the story, two weeks ago I got a call from a friend I haven't spoken to in months. She said she needed me. Everyone in my phonebook calls me when somethings wrong. I'm used to it. This is different though, she's addicted. I don't know what to say. I screamed mostly "If you wanna die go slit your wrist it'll happen faster". I love her. But I can't baby grown women. We've had a few classmates and friends die from drug overdoses. It still doesn't click. She says "No matter who dies or how close they are to you, you NEVER think it's gonna happen to you". I understand that it's kinda like how no one ever thinks they'll end up pregnant or with STDs but it happens.
Tonight I get a call from someone I thought I'd never speak to again.. & she needs me... She's addicted. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to be dependent on a substance and feel that I can't wake up without it. But I do know the only way to stop hurting is to address what hurts instead of masking it. I keep saying go to rehab but honestly I'm at a lose for words.
I think this is God's way of telling me I need to help people with addictions...

Real Music, Real Love

Last night I had the pleasure to see Maxwell live in concert:

I took the picture in Sepia because thats the mood I was in. More pix inside..

The Rapper

I'm not good in relationships... I am however one of the best friends you'll ever have or at least that's what the people tell me.

Thug Passion

Warning: Some one will get offended me personally I don't give a fizz-uck!

I worked at Victoria's Secret for almost 3 years. Mostly in beauty, I love to observe & I know what most men like. When a guy walked into Victoria's Secret I could guess the lingerie & fragrance he liked without a problem.

On the the reason for the title:

<<<Thug Passion
Poor men cling to Love Spell like gravy on rice. Every man in urban gear & dirty shoes who wanted to get something nice for his girl bought her Love Spell. I hate Love Spell. It all goes back to high school in high school everybody loved Love Spell I wore Fetish [I'm different]. I hate the way Love Spell smelled. Flash Forward to college, on my job interview for VS the interviewer asked what my favorite Fragrance in the store was I said Very Sexy [I'm sex what can I say]. The girl [she was white] who wore a dirty white collared shirt and stained khakis, who kept talking about when she worked at wulll mart said "LOVE SPELL".

My theory that the classless loved Love Spell was being proven slowly but surely. Every man I would never take seriously or date loves Love Spell. Like every rule there are exceptions I know 2 lovely ladies who wear Love Spell but other than that it's the hood bah-bee! In every mall, I've worked in (3) the cleaning crew wore Love Spell. Every Valentine's Day the guy who needed gifts for his 4 baby mama's bought Love Spell. Every man with horrible hygiene and even worse teeth bought their girlfriend Love Spell. Every man who probably dropped out of high school in 12th grade bought Love Spell... Oh and the trailer trash! If he had on a rebel shirt & she looked like his sister or his mother but he was still kissing her on the mouth guess what?? LOVE SPELL! People with no teeth love Love Spell. Men in business suits HATE Love Spell. men with excellence, good grammer & beautiful hygenie HATE Love Spell.

The worst part of the entire Love Spell lovefest was that most of these people were mad that Love Spell was 6 for $30 and wanted a discount.

• I'm sorry if you have a lil hood in you & you love Love Spell, I'm just telling you that most men who love Love Spell with end up in prison or mopping at the mall forever!! The exception to that maybe rappers & drug dealers [and we all want those]! Athletes probably love Love Spell too... lmao

And for those who wonder I wear Body by Victoria, Very Sexy & Dolly Girl by Anna Sui [I still haven't run out of free gifts from VS]

Do you hate me now??

"Gimme my damn glasses"

I own 1 Baby Phat dress it's the only piece of "urban gear" I own.

My mother on the other hand is a fan of Frankie... as in Frankie & Neffie.

Today I get a call @ 1:36 p.m. on my work phone it's my aunt. I said" What you want girl?" She says "Ya mama passed out they rushed her to the hospital"

My heart stopped...

This is the second time she's passed out in two years. The first time they told me she tried to kill herself... I had to make an hour drive thinking my mother was suicidal only to find out that her dumb ass doctor prescribed her meds that don't mix.

Flash Forward: New doctor, new meds.. no reason to pass out right? WRONG!!!

The new meds cause a decrease in her blood glucose when she's stressed... The woman is the definition of stress. I'm beyond afraid to lose my mother. Her mom died when she was 27 & I was 4. I'm not old enough to get off the tit. I need her.

The reason for the title: I got to the hospital a few minutes after she's checked in. They tell her to change into the robe. She hands me her glasses. I drop them. She screams "Girl don't you scratch my glasses" I look down at the glasses and realize they're Baby Phat... That woman! I had to laugh she is too hood for her own good. I told her none of her good rhinestones came out she was not hearing me. She said" Gimme my damn glasses". She hid her precious ghetto glasses from me. Then when the lady came in to do the EKG she hands me the glasses again & stares my down like she's about to whip me for being bad in Wal-Mart [I remember that look]

On the way home she explains to me everything she's stressed about. Frankly I don't have the mental capacity to remember all of that let alone stress about it. She's good. I begged her not to stress.. prob not gonna happen.

This is my legless grand paw 50% of the stress:

Today I realized that maybe I don't always focus on what's important. The important stuff in my life is hard. Nothing worth having is easy.. nothing left to do but be better.