But this is normal...

The other night I had a conversation with one of my favorite re-runs. In this conversation, he's reassuming me that he's not a club rat anymore. How many times have I heard that!!! But the conversation made me think... Not about what he said but about what I said.

Re-run (trev-inition)- a show you've seen before, in most cases a ex; can also refer to a situation in life that feels too familiar.

Conversation goes as follows... (edited of course to conceal identities)

New Shoes & Naming Puppies

I'm a simply girl. I don't buy new shoes often maybe one pair every 6 weeks BUT most times I buy them & wear them once.

It's kind of like men. I buy new shoes (new-ness) every 6 weeks, I start texting maybe calling but by week 4 I usually tap out. I get bored or they seem more ugly it's always something! But then there's those comfort shoes those slippers no one ever sees you in! Those are the best! Which leads me to naming puppies.

Why the f**k is you worried about it!!

Again, I ask why the f-ck is you worried about it???

All day everyday the social network community focuses on "issues" that don't have sh-t to do with nothing!!! And I ask again and again... Why the f-ck is you worried about it??? I'm not talking about the funny stuff. The funny stuff is GRRRRRRR-eat!! It's these "issues" that aren't really "issues".

Examples:

Or I could fall asleep...

There's so much you can do!!

When's the last time you jumped off a cliff? Oh never. Well that's no fun! I don't believe in everyones dream but I never discourage people. I think it's easier to live in fear than it is to take a risk. If you fail SO THE FUCK WHAT!? People fail all the time. No one remembers your failure after you succeed. No one who ever got it right got it right the first time and if they did they got something else wrong somewhere too. If we were meant to live life. Why not take the risks??? If you fail you'll have fun doing it!! Snooki got paid $32 thousand dollars to give a speech at Rutgers!! You think she lives in fear. NOPE!!! No one knew Jersey Shore would be successful but she's famous for being herself. Follow your heart. Live your dreams LOVE LIFE!! PRAISE GOD! Don't forget the last part.

Gauge...

I feel like I've blogged this. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't... Oh well read it again.

Everyone has a gauge, a measurement of how they judge people. Some people gauge based on past experiences. Most people gauge based on who they are and their ideas, knowledge, and intention. For example, if you go to the doctor you assume that the doctor knows what's wrong with you and can give you medicine or recommendations about how to get well. No one expects to go to the doctor and leave without knowing something about their condition. In the same way that we have expectations for people in professions we have expectations for people in our social/personal lives.

My personal gauge for example thinks everyone has pretty good intentions until they say something fucked up. We all think that people are somewhat like us. The reason most people get fucked in life is because they assume people are like them. They gauge with the idea that people have good intentions because they have good intentions. They think that because they like you, you like them. You're parents may have raised you to do things a certain way. & you think everyone else is that way BUT they're NOT! I'm early for everything, my parents are early people, not everyone else is early. Most people have no sense of promptness at ALL. It used to bother me SO much, now I realize that's just them. Now let's go a step farther and apply this to romantic relationships.

iHATE Hill Harper

My mother always says there's NOTHING worse than a wolf in sheep's clothing!

I can rant about the idea of the intelligent black slut for years but I'll start here. Hill Harper isn't the first nor will he be the last slut that's really a "good guy". Most famous sluts have muscles or a much more appealing physical build. Hill however has intelligence. Intelligent men are always more dangerous than ignorant men. The idea of being a "good black man" and doing what needs to be done for the community as a whole makes men like Hill Harper seem "good".

Venus Cheating on Mars Vs. Mars Cheating on Venus

Men Lie. Women Lie. Men Cheat. Women Cheat. Women just happen to do both things a lot better & for different reasons.

Women Cheat & Lie better and are convinced that they aren’t doing either of the two if you don’t know about it. A woman can cheat lie & look you in the face and accuse you of the things they are doing and convince themselves they are innocent and have good reason to be hurt. Women cheat for simple reasons.

(sub) Par

I know EXACTLY what I'm trying to say BUT not everyone will appreciate how it sounds!

sub·par/ˌsəbˈpär/: Adjective: Below an average level

Who am I to speak on what is or isn't "average"... Probably no one... BUT will I speak on it!? Uh DUH!!!

I'm tired of sub par species feeling that they deserve more in life because they're special. Some people take that "everyone is special" shit too far.

I don't believe in boredom

Stop!! Before you read this blog read the link below!
The Female Epidemic of Boredom

What do you want?

Men confuse me, Boys annoy me!

I've never been a fan of extremes I don't like anything that's too far in one direction lets be clear about that.

Men tell you they don't want gold diggers, then lately there's been this rant about how being independent is too much.
Men, guys, fellas, dudes...What do you want??

Should I be the kind of woman with no career goals or ambition who chases rich men for money and status? Or should I be a woman with goals and ambition who sees men as a compliment not a necessity?

The worst kind

Most young women assume they've met the worst kind of man. A liar, cheater, woman beater etc...
But in my opinion they're all wrong!

Cash for Gold

How many of you say the words I Love You and know that you truly mean it. Though love isnt perfect every move you make, any stupid little mistake can make a person question how genuine you are. So How many of you are really in love opposed to how many of you Just love NOT BEING ALONE. Love is probably the biggest 4 letter word in the English Language, that has the deepest meaning, which is most often misinterpreted the most and which people devalue like its original meaning never existed.

Sin and Seduction

Of course I have to comment. This is my opinion it really shouldn't shape the world. It's just an opinion. BUT someone somewhere believes everything they read is a fact... moving along.... 

What you dying for?

People confuse feminist with man basher... It's different to uplift women I don't have to down men BUT to make most women see what's wrong I have to use examples.

These are things you know, things you tell your best friend, the advice you give but can't take....

Simple questions, ideas, notions....

The untold story

I keep secrets, people don't really ask so I never tell... maybe that's it. Anyway I was reminded of him so I tell you the story now...

Most people in my life right now assume I've always been Sam/Kim Jones... what they don't know is I got all that naive love shit out of the way at a very early age. I'm not bitter I just grew up too fast, in telling this story I have to force myself to be honest... too honest... Here goes:

Killing yourself

In relationships the single worst thing you can do is be monogamous to someone your just kicking it with. This is my greatest problem, I'm kinda old I think about the consequences of my actions etc.. So I have one smash buddy at a time. It seems logical and sane... BUT it isn't. My mother often says "bettin all ya money on one horse ain't gon win ya shit". It's a quote about sex LMFAO!
Recently I had a conversation with two people I love and respect. The conclusion was that monogamy without "titles" is suicide. I always feel like I'm doing the right thing when obviously I'm dead wrong. I don't believe in lying, but sometimes I honestly don't know the truth. I don't want a boyfriend but then I feel really bad if I have multiple fuck buddies. So I only have one. Which is death.
I'm slowly dying everyday. I've tried to run, I can't. Not to mention, Big haunts me more than the shadows in my room. It seems like the only thing I can do is run.. yet I have no reason to.
In my opinion most people stay in "relationships" because they don't see any other options. I honestly don't see any other opinions.

I'm just different

I don't think there's a black man shortage. I don't think white girls are taking up all the good black men. Probably because I'm not just attracted to black men. I feel like I'm awesome and if I want something I can have it (black, white, yellow, red, tan, peach). Too many women don't value themselves so they blame white women for their problems. I was watching the show show on YouTube & Bari said something to the effect of "Why aren't black women mad about the drug dealers and toothless black men that white women "take"? " This has always been my thought. When I worked in wic I saw white women with black men that not even the trashiest hood rat should want. I really don't care who disagrees: Most black women are only angry when successful black men date white women. Nobody gets mad at the guy who works at McDonalds for being with a white girl. LMFAO!!

Which means you don't want the money you want the "status" or the "money". I could care less about a mans money he just can't ask me for mine. I'm a goal-digger. I need someone with a mission a purpose. I'd date a teacher with no issue. Back to the point. I love white men. They make me happy in my panties. I know it's different because I liked them before I liked black men but still. They're so fun! It's like traveling to a foreign land without moving. I think black women should stop trying so hard to be with black men, they ain't checking for you.

If more black women dated white men maybe then black men would get mad and start dating black women HA HA! That would be some fun shit. Anyway I'm going to find me a white man with good cred-ick and hazel eyes!!

Formal Letter of Resignation

The day I bought Back to Black, I was mad at Big. I don't even think I was talking to Hov. But as time went on I said if we ever ended this would be our song. So it has ended. And this my final thought... Closure of some sort but not really, if you never get married you can't get divorced. What is a break up anyway? A reason to have make up sex? But I don't wanna make up this time. It's better that I leave. & also STOP thinking I'm like in love with Hov YEAH you sir.. this is all.

Amy Winehouse- Tears dry on their own

All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I've got accustomed to,
Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in your way, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own,
I don't understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there's so many bigger things at hand,
We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon,
I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,
So we are history,
YOUR shadow covers me
The sky above,
A blaze only that lovers see
I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
Cause that kiss goodbye the sun sets,
So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in you way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry

When I think about you...

I don't understand what it is.. but new-ness..

I'm happy and as much as happiness scares the shit out of me. I'm digging it. I can jump on the bed and watch Spongebob. I can read Joel Osteen books until I explode BUT to be truly happy with my life.. it's new to me . 2009 was a drag. It was long and sad and draining. Pieces of my soul died and others were revived.The most important thing was, I lived through it.

I've liked guys before, but this is that rare animal attraction. If I think about him too long I'll f-ck myself. He makes my heart stop. It's so simple.. I keep trying to complicate it but I can't. I genuinely enjoy someone and there's no catch. I hate writing about people who read my writing. BUT I'm not guarding my words on this one. He's the sex... and we all know I'm a mental nympho.

I've given up my delusion and my life is now interesting. New job, new-ness & relocation... Did I mention I dumped Big forever and ever and ever. Oh and that other dude too.. (Not because of new-ness because they both suck at life.. it's actually been a while since I did it. I just didn't feel the need to blog it)

It's like a new chapter in life. And NO I'm not trying to get married and have babies. I'm just enjoying a man for once. I'm still on a mission to be successful and no matter how fun or exciting new guys are I can't lose sight of who I am and what I want. Personal success trumps everything. That's the thing about life that's both amazing and shitty. It's easier to focus on things that don't matter (social situations & relationships) than it is to focus on what matters (family, school, work, personal success) that's why there's so much drama in the world, it's easier not to solve your problems. My eyes are engaged on me & what's best for me.

"Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms & open eyes" Incubus - Drive

Love is like...

I'm starting to think I've never been in "real" love. There was this trending topic about being strung & from everything I've read I've never even been sprung. I don't give money, I don't co habitate, I cheat often. Kari Ann said marriage isn't a logical option because the emotion it takes to give your all to someone isn't something we possess. BUT Kari Ann is worse than me, she had a kid. I couldn't have a kid. I wouldn't even get pregnant. I'm selfish too selfish. That's why I don't need monogamy or kids. My life revolves around me & my wants and needs.

I've never been truly heart broken because I've never given my all to anything. I'm not a fan of anything, I don't like anything alot besides food.

Big is #1, he will always be more important than other guys BUT.. I don't wanna be known as his wife/girl/ol lady. I crave my own title. Eva Longoria isn't Tony Parker's wife she's Eva. So many women are proud of being associated with what they put in them when dudes cheating on her... so everybody in your neighborhood is fucking him but you have the "title" so you're special?? I laugh at chicks most men in their 20s are more concerned with establishing their personal title than marrying your stupid ass so keep chasing husbands at 30 you'll still be making 15,000 a year.
My title is short,loud, asshole, goofy, Blogger, DaUglyTruth.. not who I'm fucking.
I explained to Big that I wanna be on his level & have my own title, he respects it. That's way more awesome than a title.. respect :-)