Just Move On

How to get over someone? The only conclusion I could find.

People always tell you to move on. Like it's the easiest shit in the world. But it's not!

I always wonder how I do the stuff I do. In retrospect like how did I change my grandpa's diapers? The thought is just yuck to me! But I did it daily. You do what needs to be done when it's time. If you don't have the strength it's given to you but you have to want it real bad.
So how do you get over someone you once loved? You un-love em thats all! Lol! No really! You start dwelling on the hurt, eventually you realize that only makes you hurt more. Then you vent & eventually you realize that only makes you vent more! Then something happens. You get a hobby or an interest. You discover something & it changes your days. Most people have a routine & if love was a part of that routine something is now missing. So to fill the void you do something. The first thing is probably a bust. But the next thing is that thing!!

The worst thing anyone can ever do is dwell on what they don't enjoy/love! If something hurts think about something that doesn't hurt. My favorite analogy for all things heart break involved is "Remember your first love & how bad it hurt when they left? You got over it didn't you? & you keep getting over things. It's not the end of the world"
But then what if it's not that serious!? What if the person you have sex with has someone new?

You didn't love them! That's first! Second, you don't really "need" them per say. So, you devote the time you used to spend with them to a hobby. Read books, get drinks with friends, write a blog! Call an old friend! Whatever you do don't dwell on getting dumped. & eventually it gets easier then before you know it... New fuck buddy!!!!

I DO care

This weekend I had a conversation with someone about caring what people think. It's so cliche to say "I don't care what people think". But in a sense by saying that you show that you do care. I CARE. Not about every one all the time BUT I do care.

It's easy to pretend you don't care. But some how some way you always show it!

Evolution, wisdom, pride...

“Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.” - Kahini Gibran

When's the last time you told a story & made yourself the bad guy? When is the last time you honestly said "I was wrong", not after a long drawn argument I mean as soon as it happened.

What nourishs me... destroys me

None of my current friends have really been with me through the bullshit years. My blog partner knew me when I was unbearable. He's a nice guy. (If you know the real him) & my Jai, she's my rock. Can't forget my Ginfer. But other than that.. I really can't think of anyone's who dealt with me. Maybe tolerated me but not dealt with.

The conflict between past & present self... that's what I keep thinking about. When I decided to change my life I was whole. I had no worries. I'd smile for no reason. I was never bored. I was disconnected from the interenet too. Some kinda magical way I forgot that I stopped having sex, drinking & being an asshole because I was on a mission to be a great person. To be the best me I could possibly be everyday no matter what happened. Some how I got so caught up in the world that I lost sight of the REALLY important things. My relationship with God, my sanity, my family, my joy. I'm upset with myself but I also realize that my church had alot to do with my vision. I've been unhappy with my church for a while but it's my church so I keep going. (me and my misguided loyalty) My church pissed me off more than it made me happy ALL year but everytime I went somewhere else I was fulfilled. At the church I visited yesterday the Pastor talked about how he used to smoke purp and lived that life. He was real. Too real I loved it. Same goes with yesterday hence the realization.

I'm somewhere between Jenna & Jesus BUT I've gone off the deep end. I am Jenna, maybe not physically but mentally... My thoughts are dominated by my "rockstar" persona. I'm not the real me. Or at least an accurate reflection of the person that I am. I'm an optimist. I'm actual a sweetheart, but I will NEVER bite my tongue about something I think is wrong. I've turned into someone who craves sex more than sanity. And why? I had so much peace. I can't explain to you how peaceful life was. So now I move on. I grow. I look at my past and realize that my present doesn't want the me of Saturday & I try my hardest to live being me. The real kind.

Give it up

I'm not Catholic but for Lent I'm giving something up. I'm giving up the delusional fantasy world I live in. It's going to be hard. I don't know how to live outside this world I've created for myself. It's safe. I've become a snail or something. I hide in my shell and refuse to live life. I used to drink too much but at least back then I lived. This stale pit of depression that I live in has made me a horrific person. I hate myself. I'm not living just existing. I'm hoping that this new job and the move get me out of this bullshit I currently live in. My slump is mostly my fault and I understand that perfectly.
I realized my problem and I'm giving it up.. On to reality.

Preaching to the Problem

Dear educated negro,

You are the problem. And I'm preaching to the problem.

Love,

Me

I question what happened to this so called "Talented Tenth" over and over again. "We" were supposed to be the ones that lifted up the other 100 million, and somewhere... we fell off. I've been blaming my parents generation forever the 60s babies who were my age in the 80s were straight wack. MY generation is so consumed with self and impressing people that they can't do community service if a cameras not around or in the case of alot of girls I know they're trying real hard to be on line.. #shade! I volunteer & I'm not asking for a cookie, I donate BUT it's NOT enough.
Talking to my best friend yesterday, she expresses her disgust for the Blindside and such. Then I hit her with it.. We rarely argue but she needed to be hit. "We" as the better off, more educated say its a shame but never help. I don't know how many of you saw the Blindside but the whole relationship started because it was cold outside and LeAnn wondered why he didn't have a coat. Me personally if I would have seen that big black fool in shorts and a striped shirt I'd say "he on something its too cold, I mean why else would he have on shorts". I'm not compassionate enough to look at a black kid and see some good. Now I dare you to be honest with yourself, how often do you see the good in people you don't know?? Especially those you view as less than you. The greatest problem we have as the educated "middle class" is that we shun those who look like us but don't act like us.
Everybody wants to be mad at the "white man" when we aren't helping the black man. You talk solutions all day everyday but revolutionary speech is as pointless as virtual masturbation. I'm so tired of talking about what to fix. If you see a kid with no shoes, buy him some. If you see someone who looks down talk to them. The solution isn't a million man march. It's a million men mentoring a boy and teaching him to become a man instead of letting tv raise kids and then complaining about crime.
"We" run from the other kind. I'm not going to the hood. I hate ghetto people. These are all things I say daily weekly monthly. How am I helping? How are you helping?
I believe with my whole heart that Tyler Perry & Spike Lee would make a movie for every single black person who helped a black person outside their family succeed. Tyler Perry will produce anything.. Madea might be in it but hey.. you complained about the Blind Side.

So here's your solution: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Go help the kids down the street with their homework. Guys if you a young kid that you know isn't going the right way, tell him your story show him the way. Ladies, act like ladies and show the next generation of girls that they're more than their bodies. Stop turning away from people who look like you but don't act like you. Stop inviting me to speech on issues, invite me to work on issues. Don't map out a plan for action take action. Jesse Jackson been talking for years he ain't even organize the march at Jena Michael Baisden did. Talk is cheap. GO HELP!

The Mission

So many people will tell you that they know me but they don't know shit. While vain & somewhat self-centered, if you really know me, you know my passion in life is people. Mostly kids. If I can't help, motivate & inspire every person I encounter I have failed as a person. You clearly didn't know that about me.. moving on.

Before I made mistakes my goal in life was to be rich. I wanted to use my bullshitting skills to make money and buy material things that would never equate to happiness. The 2nd time I flunked out of college, I was forced to take "easy" classes. Taking easy classes gave me the purpose I now have. Taking Juvenile Delinquency taught me how many men in prison had simple learning disablities. That if detected early would have probably kept them in school & maybe kept them from killing. There were several other lessons but that one sticks out in my mind the most. I don't aspire to be famous, but I will be glamorous in all things! I want to motivate the next generation to be all that they can be.
I've heard so many people say they're outraged by The BlindSide (the Michael Ohr story). Well guess what?? Antione Fisher was motivated by an African American but our generation seems to be so caught up in self that we don't help others. Now take all the outrage you have about white families helping black kids to succeed in life, and take your black ass into the inner city & help black kids, then you might get a movie! SHOCKING!!!
Personally, I don't need a movie or a book. I need a little girl to grow up and know that she's more than her body, I need one black man to grow up and know that he's worth more than his weight in gold (not my kids someone elses). That's it. My mission is to truly impact someones life as often as I can.

The Best Advice

People seem to always want advice... but most times it seems like they just needed someone to vent to. The best advice you can ever give is stay true to yourself.

-If your boyfriend cheats ask yourself two questions: Was he always a hoe? Will he do it again?
If the answer is yes maybe you should dump him. If the answer is no you should work out your problems in private instead of calling everyone who will listen.
(Bad mouthing the person you love makes your friends hate him & not care to hear anymore about him)

-If you find out your best friend skrewed your ex.. two questions: Is she that kinda hoe? Are you mad because you're not over him?
Once again yes to both means you knew she was that kinda hoe & also you should have resolved your issues with him. If the answer is no maybe they like each other and you're jealous because you're lonely. (that was in NO way in reference to what you think its in reference to but yeah she is that kinda hoe and we knew that so drop it)

-If you Mr. Can't get shit right is always fucking up.. stop complaining to your friends about him. You know he won't get his act together anytime soon and you continue to tolerate him anyway so why complain?
(That was for me and I dropped him!)

Those were just a few examples of the best advice you can give yourself. Other than that.. stop stressing over nothing. Some people just need to have problems and drama to live, get away from them and you'll be HAPPY!

Resignation

*I'm dead serious. Me, myself & I are having a serious talk*

Dear self,

Lately you've been pissing me off to the point of no return. We used to have goals. We had this drive that could move mountains and make incredible things happen. After one or two disappointing situations you lost all faith in me. You make no fucking sense. How can you lose faith in me and still believe that there's something great and worthwhile in every person you meet. I fucked up. I should have been more focused on what was important. Now I suffer for past mistakes. FOCUS...

Make Levees NOT War

I am not better than anyone else when it comes to anger management.

That being said violence is out of control. How can someone kill a baby with a baseball bat [google it]? It disgust me almost as much as the man who raped a baby because the baby wouldn't stop pooing direct quote [http://nola.com]. The world disgust me. Even my mother, some man who lives a few blocks away was beating so severely that he lost an eye [drug related duh!]. Mama tells the story as if she's talking about someone getting a promotion or doing something great. We as a nation have become so numb to violence that we glorify it until it effects us directly. I can no longer stand by and ignore it...

Why can't we be civil and argue/debate/agree to disagree or just stop doing illegal stuff??

daUgly Truth

"I don't allow anyone to make decisions for me [she enjoys being a jackass] or tell me what I should do I like to learn from my own mistakes [only a dumbass would say that] but I don't feel dat he is a mistake bc he's not doing anything wrong [I'm so desperate I gotta keep him even though God keeps telling me he's wrong] so thanks but no thanks ima be ok...." - spoken like a true jackass *sorry I had to steal the quote*

I can't handle the truth... most women can't. I want it I crave it, but when I get it I hate it. I've decided to take 3 steps in assessing the truth. I think that'll make the pill easier to swallow.

1. Would you say that to someone?
2. Is it the truth?
3. Are you hurt by it?
   

As ugly and painful as it maybe the truth is necessary. Women who lie to themselves bother me. Toni's wack ass talking about how she wanna be monogamous because they have a connection... I'm just gonna keep all those curse words to myself
My 18 year old cousin swears she's grown, I wanna slap her. She tells me things like she wants to learn for herself and that if a guy is a mistake she'd rather find out for herself. The quote says "wise people learn from others mistakes" NOT experience. The people who give the best advice have been through the most bull shit. Allow me to re-introduce myself "Queen of Bullshit". If it's too good to be true it's probably false. I know the game and how it goes but once I start playing I forget somethings. But believing any 20 something man is 100% monogamous while not having his shit together is foolish. He ain't got shit going for him but he can commit.... doubt it.

The truth is meant to be used not abused... say what you mean and mean what you so...

P.S. I really hope you aren't upset with me about stealing that quote.

To crush # 4

This is not to get confused this is for you. Crush # 4 he's the exception I've known him for a year and I haven't bitten him, hinted that I like him, been drunk and tried to feel his peen, or nothing. I'm pretty sure he "friendzoned" me and I'll never get out. I've written about him before. I want to just call him and say:
Look dude fuckin you shouldn't be this difficult!
I've realized that we won't ever date and be boyfriend and girlfriend so can we at least bang curiosity is kicking my ass. How sad would I be if I got it and it was weak?

Still...

The worst part of me being sad or hurt is that I self destruct.

I want Jake bad. I've been texting Jake for 2 weeks. I didn't do it yet. Yet is the keyword. Jake is crazy and he's mean and I love it. I just wanna bounce it. There I said it no take backs. I said no to Jake the last 150 times he asked. It's been 1 year & 1/2 I'm ready... I think. I've tried my hardest not to practice casual sex. I'm a born again virgin in my own mind. Granted I might cry Sunday and completely regret sinning on purpose. I'm going insane I LOVE JAKE [from the waist down].

Trevi vs. Trev vs. Trevine

There's 3 different sides to me. There's bubbles whom I hate when I feel like this I call her Trevi she's super nice and she laughs at everything. Then there's Trev who will curse you out in a heart beat and don't care if ya mama just died fuck u and her (dats how I feel right now). And Trevine is my logic she's the one that brings me to church and forces me not to drink alcohol or do hood rat stuff with my friends. Trev just woke up she been sleepin for a long time..
ADVENTURES

Dizzy.

Last night was the inevitable. I'm glad he didn't lie but part of me wished he did. He just wants to "due him" I didn't spell it wrong that's a direct quote. I'm mature enough to realize that the first year of freedom is just that. Freedom. I respect it. Does that make it easier? Nope. Do I wish he would have said I wanna be with you and just cheated on me? Kinda. In the grand scheme of things I don't wanna love nobody else but I wanna fuck other people all the time. Ok not all the time but sometimes I see a dude and think he could get it... and there is a guy I wanna hook up with before I get married. I'm just curious as hell. I don't wanna be emotionally attached to anyone ever just him. But I'm growing and figuring out what's best for me an so is he. I'm just a little dizzy.

*Sometimes I rhyme but not on purpose

"You think everybody is wack"

I DO! People are very honest with me about things. I don't share those things with other people. When I say someone is wack just take it at face value. Other people have no goals and no solid plan for the future if that's not wack I don't know what is. I am a fan of living in the moment I am also a fan of maps. Know where you're going or go no where. I'm tired of chicks claiming these wack ass dudes. You got a degree and he's on his 9th year of undergrad but he so say got his shit together. He don't work but his ass always in the club and you cool with that. He's a fucking party promoter at 30 with no back up plan did I mention nobody goes to his parties. He cheats on you and comes back with some shit he saw on a movie. Men ain't shit but dick and conversation. So what are bitches sweating? Talk to yourself and buy a vibrator. Thank you.

Only the real thing

Mr. Bbu won't talk dirty to me. He won't even say the words while we're having sex. I've never heard him say dick or pussy or any other variation of the words. He says calm your ass down when I jump on the bed but I love jumping on the bed. He won't ever say anything about sex ever. Last month we finally had a conversation about porn. I knew he watched porn but he never told me about it. I'm lacking sexual sitmulation so I find from others [verbally]. Last night he got mad at me because I asked him why he wouldn't do it. In the past we never had a reason because we lived in walking distance but now it's long distance... I'm suffering from withdrawls... which leads to the pringles theory

The reason I don't use myspace

I'm at the library yeah my daddy sucks ass right now... who said they were buying me a laptop this weekend? Who didn't? He gets paid tomorrow he knows I'm gonna blow him up. If daddy was poor it would be different but dude makes over 6 figs.
Anyway all this hood ass kids are at the library speaking incorrect English talking about their myspace pages. Don't get me wrong I use slang way too much but my grammar isn't horrible. Myspace is for girls who wear thin flip flops and have Coach purses with the G's. It's too much. A facebook page is simple it doesn't have glitter graphics it won't take 30 minutes to load. I am a fan of the simpler things in life. I think my love affair with twitter has a lot to do with the simplicity of it. Ok why am I at the library... BYE

The Tale of Hov

I met Hov in 2006. I was outside crying about b.b.u he always did something wrong. Then my mom pissed me off the same day. I was so angry. I'm venting to Antione (see when I talk about you I say your name ok boootch). He [hov] was with his friend. His friend is cute but he just didn't do it for me... but that tall dude with the Yankee hat on... he did it for me. He didn't run game on me he felt sorry for me because I was so upset... I felt wack. He told me he was gonna be my best friend... I thought not. My underwear got happy the first time he pronounced my name the right way. We have this rare thing... it's a crotch magnet... Everyone I know has told me they've met one person who they can't keep their hands off. For me that is Hov.
2 years ago we tried to watch football together I sat on the other side of the room and I left after 10 minutes I couldn't handle it.

Dear Hov,
You kinda own my vag.... :-(

One Dimension

I think I'm more complex than people realize yesterday my cousins pissed me off to the point of no return. I enjoy history, learning is my thing I could watch documentaries all day. Yesterday I'm at my grandfather's house watching this vh1 special on the Panthers. I love to hear Bobby Seale speak. These complacent a-holes asked what I was watching then they said why you care bout dat. BECAUSE IT'S HISTORY and not showcasing negative African American stereotypes. I said nothing to them and continued watching. With all my cursing and excessive angry I think people even inside my family forget that I'm not one dimensional.

These are some trev-facts:

1. I read for leisure
2. I love books about New Orleans they make my heart smile
3. I've only missed church twice this year
4. I hate it when people I care about get angry with me I apologize my ass off and cry the whole time.
5. I watch the Secret at least 5 times a week
6. I love art
7. I love going to the French Quarter during the day and seeing all the art and the people
8. I love Malcolm X
9. I love Martin too but it's not the same
10. I think Sam Cooke felt my pain
11. I have this strong thing for Prince it's sick
12. Ancient Egypt intrigues me and I watch every Pharaoh special I can find and still don't remember the names of the Pharaohs lol
13. I love Court tv Forensic Files and stuff excite me but it's always the same some man kills his wife and his mistress rats him out
14. Ever notice how those real life crime shows are always about white people but supposedly black people are the only ones murdering people
15. I agree with Bill Cosby and Michael Eric Dyson
16. One time I agreed with Al Sharpton about something I still feel weird about that