No sleep

Last night I had 4 dreams 2 nightmare 2 dreams. Everytime I woke up I prayed. I don't remember what I dreamed. I barely remember what I prayed. I know I'm ok. I'm afraid of being smart that means I can't make excuses. I don't know what to write about, I don't even know what to say. I just feel and I can't explain what I feel... maybe it's reality setting in. I can't tell anyone what's wrong with me because I honestly don't know. I've never felt this way before. I'm not going back, he's not coming back. It still sounds crazy to me but it's real. This year I've gotten rid of 3 very important friends because we weren't on the same path in life and it was pointless. Mama said the older I get the smaller the circle would get but I wasn't ready. I'm tired of growing up. I wanna be naive. I'm about to cry so I'll just stop.

Always wear lipstick NEVER get married

In freshmen English I had to read this short story called always wear lipstick, never get married. It made me think harder than I cared to at the time but at 19 I decided to stop being the girl who needs a guy. My only goal was to be the best friend, sister, daughter ever [maybe I should have wanted to be a good student might have a degree]. I was the BEST FRIEND I've ever been I was always there when people needed me. I partied my lil ass off and I wasn't worried about anything. Then Jessi moved away and twin got a boyfriend. When your drinking buddies leave you have 2 choices drink alone [did that] or get my drinking buddies [did that too]. In meeting new drinking buddies I started to meet guys. That's when I met he who shall remain nameless. Nameless was the best/worst thing ever he was a bum, he was kinda cute, he was always broke but he was lovable kinda. We "messed" for about a year. I wrecked my car rushing back to school to see him. God gives you signs when things aren't right. I had no desire to marry this guy or be with him forever it was just fun or so I thought. Til my next epiphany came... you can't fuck with guys you couldn't have a kid for. I wasn't pregnant but I was scared as fuck, every girls had that scare she didn't want. The thought of having a kid with loser boy was enough to make me never speak to him again.

The point of this random pointless story is this as long as I wasn't focused on men my life was awesome but as soon as I got "bored" and let that loser into my life I had headaches and issues and problems... fuck all that I wanted fun

Womp Womp Womp

Me: i know u going around around trying to scam freshmen today and u disgust me

Homeboy: wow...I kinda grew up lol I didnt encounter any chics today

promise

Me: translation = the freshmen girls kinda poo this year

or translation= I already banged all the summer scholars

Homeboy: LOL Nah I honestly didnt even go in the quad just one class then I left

but yeah they are poo too tho

Me: LMAO

So according to a reliable source the freshmen girls at LSU are ugly LOL! Well you know what that means... Southern get ready them LSU boys coming LOL!

Growing Pain

I'm growing up. It makes me sick. So sick that I skipped work today. I made myself physically sick. I haven't talked to anyone about anything of importance all week [except Mya]. I'm pretty sure Hov has a girlfriend or is damn close to it... So I'm dropping it. I woke up... I stopped living in a dream cause it's over now. I feel a chapter closing. I realize that love, real love doesn't purposely hurt you real love doesn't have selfish motives because it's love. While the definition of love maybe harder to comprehend than how electricity works I know what it is not. Love is not what I have, love is something I've never had. I've been willing to give my all while receiving nothing, I can only blame myself for this. I had to slap myself and say what the fuck are you crying for because I haven't lost anything. I've gained an idea of what I won't tolerate... On to write the rest of this book