Confessions...

The Ugly Truth is I lie alot. I lie to myself mostly. But sometimes, in rare form, I lie to people and I lie hard. Before "the bullshit", I didn't need to lie.. but for the last 7-8 months I've lied alot.
Last week I tried to purge myself and my life. It was almost successful.. but I'm kinda slutty (in thought at least)...

For some women being "loved" is all they want, for me it's being lusted, I want you to want me. I don't become emotionally attached through conversation or quality time, that's boring. I fall for passion, intensity, body heat.
Part of me wants to be normal and tell you that I want a man in my life for something other than sex and reaching high things but I don't. Even the guy that I liked since forever, if I could have him to own, I wouldn't.
Last night the kid told me I'd fall in love soon because I hate love so much. I don't hate the action just the motives. I don't like needing things. I don't like getting jealous or caring, or worrying. NONE OF IT!
Needless to say I'm over it. What nourishes me has destroyed me. I'm not looking for it (friends with penis'). And I hope it doesn't find me. At this point I'm so disgusted with myself and men that I don't want anything at all. No dick, no conversation, no interaction, nothing. Just go to your side of the world and let me stay in mine.
Growth, is often a process I hate. I've regressed into a lot of my 21yr old habits. I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I did at 21... so why regress into a person I hate? Somewhere in the back of my mind living without caring seems easier than growing up. The only difference between now and 21 is that I'm sober. I don't think I enjoy drinking as much as I used to.
I won't say I'm over it. I'm never on it to be over it.. (you gotta buy in to sell out)
I'm moving forward, not forward from the last point, forward from the place I want be to the place I need to be.
This probably makes no sense.. That's what I do! Hugs not drugs!