F-ckin without Feeling

I once had a guy tell me that "F-ckin without feeling,wasn't really f-ckin at all"

He wasn't some sweet guy who only slept with women he was emotionally attached to. He was a whore. He made women fall in love with him before they had sex because he said it made the feeling more intense. He was always in a "sexual relationship" with a woman who loved him because he couldn't stand lustful sex.

This is why I'm f-cked up. We grew up together he's like my best friend. I've known him since I was 12. He told me his secrets his desires, hopes, & dreams. We mind f-cked each other on the regular but no sex. Dude is such a great mind f-ck. He studies women. He knows women he can get anyone.

The thing that ruins my idea of men is that they only wanna love me to make the sex more intense. So I ruin the plan. I f-ck. I don't talk about my dreams or desires. I don't let him know who I am, what my family life is like. Dudes barely know what turns me on beyond a fresh fade & nice teeth. Most guys who slept with me don't even know who my real friends are, they've just seen pictures on facebook. People assume that I'm an "open book" because I talk about fucking & strongly disliking certain people but you really don't know anything about me...

I am afraid of love. I am afraid to love something other than "dat dick". I'm detached emotionally, with most things & people I just go through the motions the way I think everyone else does. I don't ask the questions I really wonder about. Most times I won't say exactly what's on my mind. I get away with it because men don't care. I rarely meet guys that want to get below the surface so I stay there.
Two years ago I met a guy, he's not my type at all. He needed a ride somewhere & offered to buy me alcohol. That's all I needed. He wasn't trying to f-ck. He wanted to know me. He caught me off guard. I was so afraid. Needless to say he knows things about me that my "friends" don't know. I never had sex with him because he already stole a piece of my soul but he's a special breed of man. He's an adult. He doesn't care about physical shit. He likes substance. You really can't tell by looking at him, I guess that makes it even more special.
It's sad really... I f-ck without feeling to make myself feel... something.

Love, A Dying Emotion?

When is the last time you really stopped to love someone?
When did you give someone the Opportunity to love You?
Or are you like me, So petrified of all things you see going wrong in love that you are afraid to give someone the power to hurt you?

If you fall in love of course there's always the chance that, damn i may get hurt. But the truth is, I know if i keep being a heartless Machine that doesnt give a damn then i will continue to hurt those around me that want to care for me. If i realize this then everyone around should to. Theres a distinct difference from not being ready for love, and running for dear life. They type of running I do will never give love a chance to be ready for me.

This bitch called FEAR runs too many of our lives, and too many activities in our lives. I dont think My being a heaux in the past came out of wanting to hurt everyone around me. There was the lil part of me that thought it was cool to have my name bouncing around, and even accepting of the Juvenile cheers from my boys that were like yeah. Shagari got them Heauxs" In my heart i Know my addiction for women came from my fear to fall in love.

I cant blame Fear on all of the people ive been with cause ive done some selfish shit just because i thought the person i was with was hot. Overall I dont think im ready for love, I dont think im deserving of having someone give me there all. Everyone that has tried to love me has ended up hurt, and maybe im wrong for keep using the people i Couldnt love as a Crutch.

I see people fuck over people they love daily. My earlier post SMH just backs my fear. The word Love is thrown around like Salt on McDonalds Fries...Any Fool can say it. I think we let our own fucked up actions kill our belief and hope that we can one day find love. Then people often get too caught up on what the media says is love. Everyone is not going to have that Jay-Z, Beyonce Billionaire love affair. Perfect love doesnt Exist in someone elses relationship. Perfect love is what you build in yourself. Its What makes you happy, Its what thing the other person does that completes you.

Stop trying to build love off of everyone else plans and make your own blue prints and adhere to them strictly. I dont know if it exists for me or if ill ever find it. I fucked up so much in the past that i started feeling like i was a nigga put here to give pain, so people will truly know how to appreciate love when they have it. The truth is i dont believe that now. We all Fuck up we all make mistakes. We all lost that person we wish we could get back. Consider them stepping stones to learn. Some of u just learn faster than others.

There's nothing wrong with not being able to love someone as soon as they want to be loved. You cant rush love, you cant force it. Even though being Honest doesnt completely make up for not being able to love someone, its real. I will never say I love someone knowing that i dont. I will never take these words for granted. They have the power to heal, they have to power to bring warmth and Joy. But I also know more importantly saying these words in false heart has the power to destroy hearts, hurt someone mind, body and soul, and in certain cases has the power to Kill.

Be Honest with your intentions whatever they may be. Dont make bad of a word that is supposed to inspire greatness. I Know now that all this nuclear shit, all these bullets, explosives, and chemical shit, dont stand up to the kind of Weapon love is. Weapons can bring security in those who respect them and know the power of what they grasp. They also can destroy the world if placed with idiots who dont give a damn. Choose wisely, peoples hearts depend upon it. Our hearts are the strongest yet most fragile thing that we possess.

Dick & Conversation

My favorite phrase is: "Nigga's ain't shit but dick & conversation; talk to yourself & buy a vibrator"

Chicks go too far. I have never will never give a man who is not in my family money. What kinda dick makes you fork up some rim money?

What kinda dick makes you so stupid that you get mad at the other girl instead of the guy who you're in a relationship with? He commited to you NOT her. He broke a promise NOT her. She's just a low self-esteem hoe who will take anything she can get. He's the one who lied. You're not on my level yet, you don't understand you think she raped him.. But how it got hard??

I'm so tired of excuses. People forgive who they want to forgive. Women tend to forgive men for cheating, yet hate "the other woman" as if it's her fault that he lied to you. Have you ever met a man who forgave his woman for cheating? I know 2. Point being every woman I know at some point or another has forgiven a man (maybe not the one she's with now) But a man for cheating.

Ladies, start treating these dicks like they treat you. If you f-ck up he's gone. If you don't support him emotionally he's gone. If you don't have his back he's gone. So why do women constantly let men hurt them, then go running back as if they need these assholes.

N-gga's ain't shit but dick and conversation.. all the other things that you imagined they provide for you are non-existant. That being said, I was told real love never makes you suffer. The end.

Men Change?

Sex and the City ruins lives. How can I say that? Well.. I'm a Carrie. I write everything. I'll tell you what I ate for dinner if I have nothing else to write about. I wear my heart on my sleeve & always find a way to take my shirt off in every episode. And no matter what happens my loyalty stays with Mr.Big...

That being said, after watching the series finale of Sex and the City when Big flys to Paris to confess his love for Carrie.. I said "I am NOT gonna wait 10 years for some jackass to realize I'm the one".
I said that, my actions were the exact opposite. If Carrie was a black girl she'd be Bigs "jumpoff". She's the bottom bitch the one that's always there for him, even when she's engaged and he's married. Jump off's don't get married they don't upgrade in status. When do mistress's ever become wives?
So we settle (we mostly meaning me) thinking that one day, one faithful day he'll grow up. He'll realize that I'm the one. Let us follow the show in order, Carrie met Big in her early 30s, he married someone else in her mid 30s, finally realized he loved her in her early 40s & they were married in her mid 40s. They'll probably never have kids where's the happily ever after in waiting 1/2 your life to be with the person you could have been with all along? It makes no sense to me. Why give false hope? If you read the actual book Carrie & Big don't get married but Samantha Jones does... which proves my theory that women who do whatever they wanna do always get married.
Women constantly beg for happy endings when life rarely reaps them. Big changed in his 50s when he's about to die and has nothing better to do. Dwell on that let it sink into your mind. He's almost 60 & now he's ready to be monogamous... in my world that's a get the f-ck outta here.
I'm sorry Biggie, Kim got smart!