F-ckin without Feeling

I once had a guy tell me that "F-ckin without feeling,wasn't really f-ckin at all"

He wasn't some sweet guy who only slept with women he was emotionally attached to. He was a whore. He made women fall in love with him before they had sex because he said it made the feeling more intense. He was always in a "sexual relationship" with a woman who loved him because he couldn't stand lustful sex.

This is why I'm f-cked up. We grew up together he's like my best friend. I've known him since I was 12. He told me his secrets his desires, hopes, & dreams. We mind f-cked each other on the regular but no sex. Dude is such a great mind f-ck. He studies women. He knows women he can get anyone.

The thing that ruins my idea of men is that they only wanna love me to make the sex more intense. So I ruin the plan. I f-ck. I don't talk about my dreams or desires. I don't let him know who I am, what my family life is like. Dudes barely know what turns me on beyond a fresh fade & nice teeth. Most guys who slept with me don't even know who my real friends are, they've just seen pictures on facebook. People assume that I'm an "open book" because I talk about fucking & strongly disliking certain people but you really don't know anything about me...

I am afraid of love. I am afraid to love something other than "dat dick". I'm detached emotionally, with most things & people I just go through the motions the way I think everyone else does. I don't ask the questions I really wonder about. Most times I won't say exactly what's on my mind. I get away with it because men don't care. I rarely meet guys that want to get below the surface so I stay there.
Two years ago I met a guy, he's not my type at all. He needed a ride somewhere & offered to buy me alcohol. That's all I needed. He wasn't trying to f-ck. He wanted to know me. He caught me off guard. I was so afraid. Needless to say he knows things about me that my "friends" don't know. I never had sex with him because he already stole a piece of my soul but he's a special breed of man. He's an adult. He doesn't care about physical shit. He likes substance. You really can't tell by looking at him, I guess that makes it even more special.
It's sad really... I f-ck without feeling to make myself feel... something.