None of my current friends have really been with me through the bullshit years. My blog partner knew me when I was unbearable. He's a nice guy. (If you know the real him) & my Jai, she's my rock. Can't forget my Ginfer. But other than that.. I really can't think of anyone's who dealt with me. Maybe tolerated me but not dealt with.
The conflict between past & present self... that's what I keep thinking about. When I decided to change my life I was whole. I had no worries. I'd smile for no reason. I was never bored. I was disconnected from the interenet too. Some kinda magical way I forgot that I stopped having sex, drinking & being an asshole because I was on a mission to be a great person. To be the best me I could possibly be everyday no matter what happened. Some how I got so caught up in the world that I lost sight of the REALLY important things. My relationship with God, my sanity, my family, my joy. I'm upset with myself but I also realize that my church had alot to do with my vision. I've been unhappy with my church for a while but it's my church so I keep going. (me and my misguided loyalty) My church pissed me off more than it made me happy ALL year but everytime I went somewhere else I was fulfilled. At the church I visited yesterday the Pastor talked about how he used to smoke purp and lived that life. He was real. Too real I loved it. Same goes with yesterday hence the realization.
I'm somewhere between Jenna & Jesus BUT I've gone off the deep end. I am Jenna, maybe not physically but mentally... My thoughts are dominated by my "rockstar" persona. I'm not the real me. Or at least an accurate reflection of the person that I am. I'm an optimist. I'm actual a sweetheart, but I will NEVER bite my tongue about something I think is wrong. I've turned into someone who craves sex more than sanity. And why? I had so much peace. I can't explain to you how peaceful life was. So now I move on. I grow. I look at my past and realize that my present doesn't want the me of Saturday & I try my hardest to live being me. The real kind.
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