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I don't tell you everything. No matter how much I tweet or blog. I just can't say everything. I call him my "Big Boy". He looks like he's supposed to be a man but he's silly, like super silly.

When we met we are friends. We have mutual friends and he had a girlfriend. It was about a year ago almost to this day. I saw him & he randomly asked for my number. That's fine we're cool. Gradually it goes from "hey how are you" once a week to everyday conversations. He knows my goals, my heart, my intentions. He knows what I'm thinking even when I don't say it.

He knows the real me. The rare form. The naked truth that hides behind the ugly. I don't curse when I talk to him. He's my dream man. We have the same values and ideas about people, life, religion, politics. He's not a complete idiot like Big or an over confident asshole like Hov. He's like me. I never wanted him to leave his girlfriend for me. I don't know what I want.

Anyway the house burned down on Monday. We were supposed to spend Sunday together and he got "busy" whatever. Monday he comes to see.. drives 45 minutes to see me at that. We're on the sofa.. He tells me I shouldn't eat fried chicken at night.. I tell him to get a life (I love Popeyes). Some crazy way the convo turns into him telling me how I love him and I wanna be with him. He was almost teasing me. It felt so wrong and hurtful. I stood up in front of him and grabbed both sides of his face with my hands and slammed his head into the wall. Of course he grabs my hands and stops me. We hug he leaves. About 30 minutes later I text him and tell him to never speak to me again. I can't do it. I can't be in love with someone elses boyfriend. NOT to mention I NEVER wanted to be in love with anybody at all.

I cried my eyes out. Then he starts calling and texting and is all like "Why why why". I said "You got what you wanted I like you now leave me alone". He says "Well you know I have a girlfriend shame on you for liking me".

I have NEVER cried that much ever. My aunt died and I couldn't cry. But this asshole tells me that "I like him so shame on me"... You're the one who drove to see me. You're the one started this whole damn thing BUT I'm the only one with feelings.. but yet I'm not the one whose committed to someone else... I'm still sad. I feel like he ripped my heart out and ran over with a car then stepped on it, shit on it, pissed on it, cut it open, poured salt in it, then put battery acid on top.

We never kissed, or touched wrong, or had sex. I geniunely love him for his personality. Which is why I can't handle this.

And now the heart break song:

Joydrop- Cocoon

If I should choose to live in my cocoon

Wrap myself in me and cry myself to sleep

If I should choose to protect my tender heart

Build a shell from you steal myself from you

If I should choose to fall apart

Don't you think you should let me

If I should choose to die alone

You should forgive and forget me

If I decide I can't do it anymore

Try to be so hard I'm trying to be so fucking hard

If I should choose to keep lying to myself

Pretend my mind is telling truths

Well I've got my own so who are you

I know I know I know

If I should choose fall apart
Don't you think you should let me

If I should choose to die alone

You should forgive and forget me

If I should choose to fall apart

Don't you think you should let me

If I should choose to die alone

You should forgive and forget me

You should forgive and forget me

You should forgive and forget me