As the year ends...

I really wanted to come up with some witty hilarity for the moment but I have none. 



This is typically the time where I look at life & think what did I do this year. I failed a little this year... I tried when I should have quit and I quit when I should have tired. I never really took the time to think LONG term before. I mean like the real long term. Everyone says they want to be a teacher or an engineer what ever but do they draw solid maps to those destinations? I didn't.

For true growth, change is necessary. But when you "know" you're right about something you become less willing to change. I always "know" I'm right about things. Then when I have to be wrong or get proven wrong it crushes my insides. It's like someone beat me to near death & I don't know how to recover. Not simple things like not knowing what year Fresh Prince premiered. The serious things. Or the things I consider serious.

This year I've done things I didn't think I could do. My strength is obvious to me. I'm almost scared about the amount of things I've dealt with without crying or breaking down. My aunt died, my grandpaw died, my best friends mom died and I've managed to hold myself together. (Don't know what kind of glue I'm using.) I don't think I'm numb to death, I just refuse to grieve. There hasn't been a good "feel sorry for yourself" moment. In the past, I had pity parties for things that didn't matter at ALL! I guess now I think I don't deserve those things. I can cry it's possible I just won't. Not now.

Meanwhile, I love him. You draw these lines and they don't make sense, but that's life. I don't regret the experience I just wish I didn't dive in head first with the best expectations. In my mind, I was with him even though I wasn't "with him". It's so complicated because I never wanted a relationship with him. I've never been ready to be needed. I can handle friends who need me but from a guy... ugh. It was just something I was uncomfortable with. Again, the strength thing comes into play because people always assume that because I can handle things they have the right to then put their weights on top of my load because I can carry things well. When it comes to me people can be so inconsiderate. When bad things happen people assume it's not bothering me because "nothing bothers me".

Over all, I've learned that the world moves faster than my mind, I can and will be wrong a lot, it's ok to feel just don't be a jackass & LOVE is the only power that exists!