Fit In

Here it goes..

Baby Trev: When I was younger I went to Curtis (this is pre-k no football team lol) 5 black kids. I still adore these dudes & we have a bond no one can break. Somewhere between kindergarten and first grade I realized Trevine wasn't a normal name. It made me sad. Katie got to wear her hair hanging and I always had plats. These things are probably minor but not at age 5. I was different my name, my hair, and my skin. I don't know who made me realize it. It was a boy and he told me I couldn't do something because I was black. My mama never told me I was black. I didn't understand the concept of race. As soon as I understood it I hated myself. Cartoons didn't look like me. Nobody at school looked like me and I couldn't play outside because mama said those were the "triflin niggas" and I wasn't like them. I tried my hardest to "fit in" so I did what everyone else did and never used my own mind. I'd go home and cry at night and ask God to wake up white so life could be easy.

6th Grade: If any 2 people in life made me feel that being white was probably a better deal it had to be Liz and G. I love all the people I mention dearly and they've never done anything mean to be, I was just jealous. When I met G I thought she was the most beautiful person alive prettier than famous people. And the world agreed. Anywhere we went she got hit on by high school boys and grown men. I didn't understand it. Liz was beautiful but in a different way. She got boobs first. But that wasn't the what made her awesome. She wasn't like everyone else. She was like someone on the real world. She was smart in different ways she listened to different music & she had a pool. Eventually I realized that everyone wore smaller clothes than me. I also realized that my ass was huge. In comes the the battle with food. I started throwing up everything. I love the taste of food I can't starve myself.

Family: I'm the darkest one. Yeah yeah yeah I'm not that dark. But mama has freckles. Lu's hair curls when its wet. Everybody's nose is smaller than mine. Everybody looks white or exotic. I'm just a -ger. And to this day people say "Leila's your cousin? Why don't you look like her?" Cause genetics fucked me over thanks for asking! I def take the title ugliest girl in the family. Being around my family made me less secure in myself because they all look better than me.

Middle School: At this point I was smaller. Happy NO. Small yes. I was under 100 lbs not happy. I had to be like 4'5. In middle school I tried to act like I was secure being black but everything seemed more difficult. The only boys I liked were white. The only black friends I had were black kids who grew up around other black kids so they didn't understand me either. I wanted a smaller nose, bigger boobs, a smaller forehead (idk why I thought my forehead was big), smaller lips and lighter skin.

High School: Leaving my 98% white environment and going into the all black, all girl environment might as well have killed me. I needed a bigger ass, I needed designer purses and I needed a roller wrap. I was so confused. My grammar and the quality of my speech declined because a part of me realized that accepting black stereotypes was way easier than praying to be white. It wasn't until I took African American History that I realized, my intelligence wasn't a white thing. All those years I had made myself lower than my white friends when we were on the same playing field. Eventually the ideas of being white faded completely. I never fit in, still don't. I never thought I was white but I always thought I was better than complacent people.